How to “Fight” With Your Spouse

Let’s begin this column by stating what really should be obvious: It is NEVER okay to physically hurt your spouse. But there are times when you’re so angry you feel like your head is going to explode. Or you feel hurt, or there’s a principle or value you feel needs defended. Or maybe you don’t feel like you’re being appreciated enough. So what do you do?

The good news is that there are several strategies designed to (a) help you make your point, and (b) strengthen, rather than damage, your relationship. The bad news is that these strategies are rarely easy to put into practice. It takes time, effort, and practice.

First, imagine a competitive sport; whether it’s boxing or soccer, each has its set of rules of what can and what shouldn’t be done in order to encourage each team or individual’s effort as well as their safety. Punching below the belt or being “off-sides” happens in relationships more often than we’d like it to. And it’s not always because one person dislikes the other; it can be as simple as not knowing the rules or allowing their emotions to overrule their logic. Let’s look at the rules for “fighting” or arguing with your spouse.

1. Reframe, and don’t be reactionary. Have you ever been so angry that you “lost control” of yourself and/or the situation? Chances are high that you were being reactionary, where your emotions became more influential than knowing the rules and applying them. A more positive alternative is to “reframe,” something photographers do all the time when they are trying to focus when there are distractions in the background. Similarly, reframing in marriage means to focus on the positive, even though you are aware of things that would otherwise annoy you. “Even though I’m frustrated with my spouse for not cleaning the house, I appreciate that he/she is spending quality time with the children” is just one example. Sometimes, when the annoyances are rooted deep, you can reframe by simply listing all the things you like about your spouse on a piece of paper. The more you focus on the positive, the less likely you’ll feel you need to argue.
2. Use words that bind, not words that blind. Some of the smallest words in our vocabulary have the biggest sting. Has anyone ever told you, “I really appreciate your efforts, but. . .”? Some words blind us or our spouse by placing barriers between us. Avoid using the words “but, can’t, impossible,” and “wish.” It’s also a good idea to limit the word “you” to only when you are demonstrating respect for your spouse. Using words that bind, such as “and, can, possible” and “I/me” (when sharing how you feel) instead of words that blind will show consideration for your spouse.
3. Repair the relationship. A long time ago, I was told to never damage my marriage beyond the point I could repair. That was good advice then, and it’s good advice now. Repairing the relationship, whether it’s after a heated argument or an unspoken one, does not mean that you need to be the martyr, nor that you “gunnysack” your frustrations so you can use it against your spouse the next time you have an argument. Your views and needs are important, and so are your spouse’s—the key is deciding where to go from there. Also avoid forcing the repair process; telling or expecting your spouse to apologize is counterproductive.

Similar Posts:

None Found

Short URL: http://www.ranchocordovapost.com/?p=6662

Posted by Web Submission on Nov 10 2009. Filed under Viewpoints. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.